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HP Re-read | Order of the Phoenix + Top 7 Harry Sass Smackdowns

*Binge Mode voices* HELLO!!!! YEAH! I’m diving back into my HP re-read; I took a short break for the last couple weeks of November but December is here and so are the TEARS, because I just finished Order of the Phoenix *SOB*.

This book is… so important to me. It gets a bad rep because everyone hates how angsty it is and how much internal Harry thoughts we get, but I LOVE IT. I will fight for this book to my GRAVE. If I ever hear someone call Harry “whiny” in this book I lose my goddamn mind. I’ve been re-listening along to Binge Mode HP during this re-read and something that Jason said in the first OotP episode was SO WELL PUT and just solidified the fact that I would frickin’ die for Jason and Mal: “This is my favorite book, by the way. I know it annoys people, I know that the Harry inner monologue and the angsty-ness and the fact that he’s, like… kind of a dick in this annoys people- I just think it’s so earned. How would any of us feel in this case, when it’s like- your life on the life, you’ve given up so much and people are just like, whispering behind your back, not telling you shit that directly involves you, you’d be fucking enraged!” YES.

I love being so deep inside Harry’s mind. You get so much depth and insight into every single thing he’s feeling and all of the terror and anger and heartbreak that he has to go through every frickin’ DAY. Rowling is just SO GOOD. It’s amazing how many lines of Harry’s internal narration just BREAK ME when I read them, because I’m so attuned to Harry’s thoughts that I’m so thoroughly affected by what he’s going through. WHEW. In this moment, I have this book ranked as #2 behind Prisoner of Azkaban (which is what it’s always been)… but I’m really gonna have to give it some thought. I really think I might have to bump it to the top spot.

OK, so cry tally for this book totaled at a whopping FOURTEEN (14!!!!!) obliterating GoF’s high of 9. Included in those 14 are 3 instances of outright sobbing, which I felt needed to be noted and differentiated. I’ll also note that half of these crying moments happened in Beyond The Veil and The Lost Prophecy alone. Yeah, this book breaks me.

SO, for this book’s recap- I decided to do the Top 7 Harry Sass Smackdowns! When I started reading this, I was like oh crap, I haven’t been taking notes of sass in the previous four books! So I decided I would just do sass from OotP- AND BOY DID HE NOT DISAPPOINT. Harry has the ZINGERS in this book. Midway through the book, I already had NINE quotes written down! I’ve narrowed it down to 7, but I’ve included some bonus sass moments at the end, too!

Harry vs. Vernon

“We’re not stupid, you know,” said Uncle Vernon.
“Well, that’s news to me,” said Harry

Harry vs. Draco (Part 1)

“Manners, Potter, or I’ll have to give you a detention,” drawled Malfoy, whose sleek blonde hair and pointed chin were just like his father’s. “You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.”
“Yeah,” said Harry, “but you, unlike me, are a git, so get out and leave us alone.”

Harry vs. Umbridge (Part I)

“Who do you imagine wants to attack children like yourselves?” inquired Professor Umbridge in a horribly honeyed voice.
“Hmm, let’s think…” said Harry in a mock thoughtful voice, “maybe Lord Voldemort?”

Harry just being SASSY

“Harry, don’t go picking a row with Malfoy, don’t forget, he’s a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you…”
“Wow, I wonder what it’d be like to have a difficult life?” said Harry sarcastically.

Harry vs. Dudley

“He was asking for it,” snarled Dudley.
“Oh yeah?”
“He cheeked me.”
“Yeah? Did he say you look like a pig that’s been taught to walk on its hind legs? Cause that’s not cheek, Dud, that’s true…”

Harry vs. Umbridge (Part 2)

“Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher,” said Harry loudly, “there was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head.”

Harry vs. Draco (Part 2; yes I put this entire passage in here because it is INCREDIBLE)

“You’re dead, Potter.”
Harry raised his eyebrows. “Funny,” he said, “you’d think I’d have stopped walking around…”
Malfoy looked angrier than Harry had ever seen him. He felt a kind of detached satisfaction at the sight of his pale, pointed face contorted with rage.
“You’re going to pay,” said Malfoy in a voice barely louder than a whisper. “I’m going to make you pay for what you’ve done to my father…”
“Well, I’m terrified now,” said Harry sarcastically. “I s’pose Lord Voldemort’s just a warm-up act compaired to you three–”

BONUS SASS

“How long have you been ‘Big D’ then?” said Harry.
“Shut it,” snarled Dudley, turning away again.
“Cool name,” said Harry, grinning and falling into step beside his cousin. “But you’ll always been Ickle Diddykins to me.”

“Not this brave at night, are you?” sneered Dudley.
“This is night, Diddykins. That’s what we call it when it goes all dark like this.”

“An interview?” repeated Umbridge, her voice thinner and higher than ever. “What do you mean?”
“I mean a reporter asked me questions and I answered them,” said Harry. “Here-”
And he threw a copy of The Quibbler at her. (LEGEND!! L E G E N D !!!!!)

“Well, I had one that I was playing Quidditch the other night,” said Ron, screwing up his face in an effort to remember. “What d’you reckon that means?”
“Probably that you’re going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something,” said Harry.

BONUS BONUS DUMBLEDORE SASS
“I have absolutely no intention of being sent to Azkaban. I could break out, of course– but what a waste of time, and frankly, I can think of a whole host of things I would rather be doing.”

BONUS BONUS BONUS MCGONAGALL SMACKDOWN!!
“I’m terribly sorry to have to contradict you, Minerva, but as you’ll see from my note, Harry has been achieving poor results in his classes with me–”
“I should have made my meaning plainer,” said Professor McGonagall, turning at last to look Umbridge directly in the eyes. “He has achieved high marks in all Defense Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher.”

Ugh, what a great book. Hope you enjoyed these quotes as much as I did. Now, CHAPTER RANKINGS! Top 5 from OotP:

1 The Lost Prophecy
This will make my list of all-time favorite HP chapters. I always love the facetime with Dumbledore chapters, but this one is just SO MUCH. I sob multiple times during it because everything is just so raw, and we finally get some answers and insight into Dumbledore’s planning. It’s A LOT to take in, but it’s so, so great.

2 The Only One He Ever Feared
The immediate fallout of Sirius’ death PLUS the Dumbledore/Voldemort duel- the beginning has some of the hardest passages in all of HP for me to get through. “Sirius had never kept him waiting before” will never NOT make me cry. Because of how absolutely painful and heartbreaking this entire paragraph is for me to read, I’ve included it below, just because of how much it hurts me:
“Lupin dragged Harry away from the dais, Harry still staring at the archway, angry at Sirius now for keeping him waiting —
But some part of him realized, even as he fought to break free from Lupin, that Sirius had never kept him waiting before… Sirius had risked everything, always, to see Harry, to help him… If Sirius was not reappearing out of that archway when Harry was yelling for him as though his life depended on it, the only possible explanation was that he could not come back… That he really was…” (Yes, I am currently crying.)

3 The Hogwarts High Inquistor
Some major Harry sass in this chapter- in both Trelawny and Umbridge’s class. PLUS, we get Hermione broaching the idea of the DA to Harry- a part which I really, really, really ADORE, in ways that I can’t really put into words.

4 Occlumency
We get the Snape/Sirius showdown at Grimmauld Place, plus the first Occlumency lesson! I really enjoy that part because it’s so weird to see Harry and Snape engaging in an actual conversation.

5 Career Advice
McGonagall’s showdown with Umbridge, Harry talking to Sirius and Lupin about James, Fred & George’s extravagant farewell… all great.

FINALLY, favorite chapter art:

20191211_030250266_iOS

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